A Letter to My Beloved

Dear CCC,

Every minute, I keep thinking about you: What are you upto?, What you must be doing?, What must be going on around you?, How you might be reacting?, What expressions those eyes are communicating?, How wide your smile is?; Are you thinking about me too?
The reality of the answer to the last question startles me; makes me weep within myself. Then I resolve to put you out of my head.

I try to indulge in the rumdum of day to day activities, try to immerse myself in the mundaneness of everyday life.

But a minute later, it ALL begins again.

I dont know why so suddenly you have come and shred my mindscape into pieces. I was not thinking so intensely about you earlier. But nowadays, ALL i ever do is think about you.

I long to hear your voice. I long to read your sms-es at least. I long to see you. I long to drench myself in your charm. I long to transcend into that magical neverland that your presence creates for me. I long to spend those lovely lost moments with you again.

Holy goodness!! Why didnt you leave me when I tried to lock you out so vigorously and vehemently out of my head? Why did I still find you lingering out there when I decided to reopen the synaptic gates again?

I know I screwed it up quite badly with you. I acted out of character so often. You might be telling your friends(boyfriend/agony uncles): "He was mad. He was crazy. He was so madly possessive. I thought that he would hurt me or himself in the process..."

I behaved so immaturely so many times. I couldn't impress your parents. I couldn't impress your sister. I couldn't impress your family. I couldn't impress your friends. Perhaps, I couldn't impress YOU.

When you were with me, I treated you like shit.

Knowing all these things pretty well, I still long for you to come back to me. I know, it wont happen. I keep telling myself that I have to resign myself to this fate. But the goddamned stupid thing called heart, just doesn't want to listen to any of this. Now that I know that I feel so intensely for you, I realise how futile it is to try to reckon you back into my life. Because, I very vividly remember you telling me "I love him." Now that I know what love feels like, I realise fully well that I wouldn't create even so much as a dent in your mindscape with my most arduous efforts.

I intend to change several facets of my lifestyle. For I believe that in the long run these would help me to get me where I want to be. These are the things that you tried to change in our lovely times together. I want to share those things with you because I feel that these would make you happy. But even that, I doubt now. I don't think that you even consider me worthy of any attention.

But then, one more thing pops into attention. You were the one who tried to maintain contact with me tolerating my continuing shitty attitude. That consoling feeling of realising that you do think of me from time to time soothes my soul. But even this feeling vaporises immediately the minute I realise that you talk to all your friends atleast once every month. From a prospective life partner, I got demoted to just another guy in your life.Ouch! That hurts. That stings. The pain. The agony. Ouch!

I keep thinking of coming face to face with you. I actually keep dreaming about it. But whenever I'm at work I try to hide myself as hard as I possibly can. I am afraid that on the very sight of you, I might do something I consider impossible for myself: I might end up crying.

I know what you can offer to me. I know that it is a foolish mixture of pity, gratitude, friendship and appreciation. But it is not love. It is an annoying combination of understanding, pampering and support. But it is not love. It is a disturbing blend of faith and trust. But it is not love. It is an unexplainable bond But it is not love.

But it is not love.

No, I dont want it.

Such intensity in feeling has tided over me earlier also. But this time, I can't shrug off the feeling that it is different. May be this is the closest I have gotten to true love. Or maybe it is true love.

True Love,
BBB.

***************************************************************

Dearest Baby,

I've been a little down and out these days....actually a lot down and out of mind...I am not the same person you started to....chirpy and bindaas as you refer to it. But I think, I am growing up.

What I want you to know is that there is no need to hold onto something that you feel is not working rather there's more harm in staying a situation that you are not happy in. No matter how I much try, this is not going to work for you.

What you said yesterday was the last thing I wanted to hear after having given my 100%. I realize that you dont need me anymore. Someone who is mature, slim, intelligent, hot and there in the vicinity would do...keep your search engines on.

I am sorry for everything that pissed you.

I am writing this 'coz I've always wanted you to be happy (dont even have an ioata of a doubt about it) and also cant live with routine of breakup-patchup-breakup. I know you do love me a lot but I want you to be sure about it. Your education, family and all other material things juss dont matter to me. All I need is your love.''I've always been very (no words to describe this very) happy with you. Will always cherish everything we've had together.

I'll miss you like mads. You'll always be my baby.

I wish I could have given you the ability of seeing us through my eyes.

True Love,
AAA.

Funerals

FUNERALS
An important gap between 'before them’ and 'after them’ during which loved ones, dear ones, near ones and foes congregate.
An interval when flux of synaptic activity keep short circuiting at several ends.
A period for reflections of various facets of one’s personality.
A culmination of life time of emotions and sentiments when history itself rewinds.

Funerals – An important gap between before ‘them’ and after ‘them’ during which loved ones, dear ones, near ones and foes congregate.

To offer their strength to bereaved and share their loss. To bow heads in silence to the achievements of ‘those’. To voice their opinions in regret on the lost oppurtunities in ‘their’ life. To mark the passing of an important character in their trivial existence.

Funerals – An interval when flux of synaptic activity keep short circuiting at several ends.

A time when several emotions are elicited each dragging the mind in a separate direction. A time when a zillion thoughts pulverize the thinking into hardened rubber. A time when judgement on the days gone by are passed hurriedly.A time when snap decisions are made freezing the course of future.

Funerals – A period for reflections of various facets of one’s personality.

A time to look into one’s own morality. A time to think about one’s own deeds. A time to reconsider all that is done. A time to ponder about the future.

Funerals – A culmination of life time of emotions and sentiments when history itself rewinds.

When the love cries itself away to neverland. When the respect emerges from the deep waters. When hatred vanishes into thin air, if only for a few short moments. When envy incarcenates itself into anonymity, if only for a few short moments.

Dimension

Caution: Not for the Low IQ individual.
Disclaimer: This aint a story. Just a piece of writing that can/might ignite your imagination.

May 23, 2038

“Mama, not to the amusement park again.”

“You are probably the only kid on this planet who says that!! The Columbus roller coaster, that passes through different countries and oceans showing you all there is to see is a sight in itself.”

“It is not all there is to see!”

“Young man! Please elucidate.”

“When we can journey close to Andromeda junction of time and space fusion and observe the War of the Seven Star Seas and then go to midnight of August 15 to watch independence being declared, only to be followed by a visit to the birth of the hypercosmic sonic traveler, Marvin the great II in Zega Supernova 27…”

Come on Mom, what is travelling in only three dimensions? It is lame and boring.”

July 25, 2018

"Maya, He is lame and boring. Stop bugging me about Baadu. He has no dimensions to his thinking." said an irritated Raasi.

“Fine. Anyways, you heard about the new guy, the intelligent fella?” said Maya.

"Who?" said Raasi inquisitively.

"Well, that Mensa chap, you know. He is also a goldmedalist in Maths and Physics Olympiads. He was the topper in his last school." replied Maya sombrously.

"Oh! Olympiads are okay. Been there and done that. Mensa ain’t that great either. Anything more?" said Raasi seemingly losing interest.

“Well, there is one more thing, which might captivate your attention. The other day Baadu challenged him to a game of scrabble. Vikram, this new guy laughed at Baadu and said that scrabble was too easy. He asked him if he could play Thrabble?”

Before she could ask another question, the bell rang and their biology professor walked into the class.

If there was one thing that got Raasi’s complete focus, it was biology.

March 29, 2029

If there was one thing that got Raasi’s absolute wrath, it was waiting for her better half. It was becoming like a habit now. Intelligence and his smile; were the only things that kept her glued to the sacred institution of matrimony. Being married to the next best thing after Einstein got to one’s head afterall.

“Lets get Thrabble out already, pal. I am telling you, it would be a huge hit like ChessMesh.”

It is difficult to say if it was the ardent passion of the chap or her irritation with boredom itself or the word Thrabble that prompted her to eavesdrop into the conversation of the cute guy and his friend at the next table. ChessMesh made her realize that she was listening to The Tagore, the inventor of 3D board games.

“I agree pal. But ChessMesh was made popular overnight because of ‘The Incredible Mind’ displaying the simplicity of the game. That was a stroke of luck.”

“I agree. That movie showed people how easy and simple playing ChessMesh is. It is extending your thinking capabilities in the three dimensions instead of the conventional two dimensional Chess. It is killing not just one king but authoritative heads on 5 different levels. Add to that a few characters who can jump from one dimension to another with the conventional powers of Chess. But, the rules I think is what made it exciting to play. Especially the one that fixes the order of killing the authoritative heads in different circumstances. Only a few rules, three dimensions interlinked in a mesh, a competitive scenario and that was it. Thrabble will also eventually make it big I am telling you.”

“Yes, being capable of moving in three dimensions instead of two dimensions on a board game is far more engaging and entertaining. I accept. But, I believe Thrabble has sometime to come. In any case, let’s introduce the game at the World Scrabble Championships. Did you get in touch with the organizers, Vikram?”

Vikram. That word pulled a trigger that retrieved an old memory from deep within. She turned to acknowledge him when she heard the sweet music of her favourite song. Turning in the direction of the music, she saw her better-half sitting on his knees in front of her.

“Sorry Honey. I am so sorry. I heard that your paper on ““PsychoConversation: A distant dream or a happening phenomenon?” won the best paper award”

October 28, 2034

The ringing applause was showing no signing of fading. The proof that thought waves could impinge themselves on different mindscapes oscillating at different frequencies at the junctures of synaptic intersections was a breakthrough in PsychoPhysics. It was the dawn of a new era in human communication. Companies were excited not because the lamp of biological science had been lit that day but because psychocommunications would now be a real commercial opportunity. Somewhere in the colossal hall, a microphone made its way to a hand featured in the media to hold the most ferocious voice with a cutting sense of various sciences.

“Excuse me Raasi, I have a question for you.”

The boom of that voice pulled a blanket of doubt over some minds and on some others it commanded respect, silence and complete attention.

Raasi was one of the few who gave complete attention. “Yes dear madam. To answer one of your questions creditably would be a great challenge and I am looking forward to it.”

The reporter stood up in the now seated hall and in her usual ferocious style said, “Is travelling of the brain waves in different psychic dimensions going to be an experience worth the effort? Wouldn’t minds with weak synaptic intersections be prone to mind damage? Would travelling in too many dimensions not tatter the very existence of conscious?”

Raasi smiled and began a 10 minute lecture on her topic of expertise. That single lecture is what had made Telepathy the company, become rich practically overnight. That was one of the moments that Raasi would cherish until the end of the universe.

March 29, 2029

Raasi had no clue that today was going to be a day that she would remember until the end of eternity.

Looking at her hubby kneeling down, the sweet music in the background, his dazzling smile all aided in melting her anger. But, still she couldn’t keep herself from saying, “Yeah, the paper received meritious feedback from everyone. That apart, don’t diverge. What got you so late?”

This question got her hubby to display his trademark white teeth in glorious crescent smile. Trying as hard as he could to suppress his excitement, he said, “My work has blossomed dear. The first time machine is ready.”

The hypnotic music, her hubby’s smile, Vikram; all disappeared into a black hole on hearing this. She looked at him agape. He took her in his arms and continued, “But that is not what got me late. I was at the gynaecologist. Congratulations. We’ll be blessed with a child soon.”

July 25, 2018

A childlike voice boomed in the pin drop silence of the captivating biology lecture. "Sir, I have a question."

The biology teacher was not accustomed to answering queries in the middle of his lecture. But he noticed that it was the new guy and for once he decided to entertain his intellect.

"Yes Vikram, what is it?"

"Sir, why can the mind converse only physically through sound waves? What about communication between minds itself? Wouldn’t that be more dimensional than the traditional talking and listening?"

May 23, 2038

“Mama, are you listening to me? Think about it mama. Travelling in three dimensions as well as the fourth dimension of time in a ride would be more fun. Wouldn’t it?”

Reprise

Its been long since I sat down and refined my thoughts by practising one of the most sacred arts: The art of writing.

I still remember those days when I used to sit up for hours together, go to answers.com and thesaurus.com; learn new words and cook up short stories.

I now intend to pick up this habit again.

I think it would be good for me.

When I try to recollect what really hindered me, I think it was IIM Lucknow. When I think further, I think it was IIM.

After an IIT, an IIM is a downgrade. An absolute downgrade.

Not seeing excellent infrastructure is one thing. Not having professors who can actually profess wisdom in various aspects of life and living is one thing. Not having an extremely sharp mind displaying the vibrance of his/her mindscape for you to go agape is one thing. But, having to bear it all for two years and keep up a smile saying that you consider it all wonderful is one bloody hell of an another thing.

IIM sapped the life out of me.

And then came Reliance. It is a very good company. Actually, in my consideration it is one of the best business organisations in INDIA to be working for. But, one person screwed up the beauty fo the whole thing for me. He sapped a little more life out of me.

And then there was a chick who betrayed me. It didnt just sap the life out of me, it nearly killed me.

But, then I came to Mumbai one night after doing something I consider derogatory. I went into this place called BLUE FROG.

That one night refilled me with pep and jazz and vitality and well, whatever elz you can think.

YOU MIGHT PUT ME DOWN, BUT I'LL GET UP AGAIN.
FUCK YOU, BITCHY LIFE.

relationship life cycle.