This is not the first time it has happened. This is not the first person it has happened with.
Like always; the cascade of events was the same:
- That person and I are introduced to each other. We leave the first meeting with 'just about okay' sort of impressions.
- After a while; that person and I begin 'collaborating' a little more closely.
- As it happens in the nature of collaboration; adversity comes and hits us as a pair. As it happens; I lower my personal guard and gates to my personal existence are wide open. That person may walk in innocently, unknowing or deliberately to soothe my troubled soul.
- Once in, that person begins taking liberties that haven't been sanctioned (innocently or deliberately). I tolerate such unwelcome advances for the sake of friendship. This is where my 'self-respect begins eroding.
- That person unaware of my emotional turmoil keeps taking liberties, unwarranted liberties: saying things that shouldn't be said, doing things that shouldn't be done and behaving in a manner which is not creditable. Of course; I am no saint. In the name of friendship; even I do take some liberties.
- But the difference between that person and me taking liberties is the scale and magnitude. I cannot disrespect humans. My mother has groomed me quite well and I do know where to draw the line.
- So far the story reads: that person is taking unnecessary liberties. I am suppressing the out roar of my self-respect and tolerating such advances in the name of friendship.
- But, I have my breakpoints. At times that person may say things or do things or behave in a manner that is completely unacceptable to me. All their slights; all their snubs; all their insults and all their frivolities can be ignored; except those that are not acceptable to me.
- Once that unacceptable thing is done, once the cut on my heart has been and once my faith has been violated ; I recoil back into my world. I close the gates of my life to that other person. I BANISH them from my existence.
- And worse of it all; I don't even let them know why I would be behaving in such a bizarre manner.
- So, at first they try to reconcile. I just don't talk.
- Then they try a little harder; I start my rebuttal. After I've been scarred; I need my revenge. So, I might say things that shouldn't be said. I might do things that shouldn't be done. I might behave in a manner that is not creditable.
- This pisses that person off. That person is being nice to me and all that; instead of co-operating, I start hurting them.
- Then, they reach their breakpoints.
- So they stop talking to me. They stop interacting with me. So now, they BANISH me from their existence.
This is not the first time it has happened. This is not the first person it has happened with.
The last time it had happened; it had hurt me very very gravely. The emotional turmoil had wrecked my happiness. Friendship broken cannot be mended. I wept in my heart trying to answer the question, "Why can't that person understand? Why can't that person look at things my way?" I cursed my blood trying to think what that person might be up to; what we both would be up to if we were spending time together. I spent unending hours waiting for that person to come and say "Hey Shri, just tell me what went wrong...?"
But then; the silence remains and the darkness grows. When I look back, I earnestly feel I could've have made it different. I honestly feel; may be self-respect is not as important as friendship. When the memory of that person surfaces back; there is an emotional pinch at my heart. And for a few mesmerized minutes I think: "Ahh....What could have been?..."
In the near past, there has been one more person with whom the cascade of events was repeated. This time I don't want to think..."Ahh...what could have been?..."
I will not be able to toast to my self respect; but I'll definitely be able toast to my friend.
Dear diary, pray for me.
Laugh, Love, Live
Shriesh.